I was driving home yesterday, when I heard a radio ad for the latest Wrestlemania, taking place this weekend. Wow. That’s all I could say. For you see loyal readers, nothing, and I mean nothing was more important in my, and to a lesser extent my brother’s developing years than Wrestlemanias and the WWF (yes I know it’s now WWE, but if you too grew up in the 80’s, it’s still WWF) . So it got me thinking how the WWF really did change my life.

#4-Brotherly Love. Without wrestling, I may not have spoken to my older brother for the first 12 years of my life. We would watch wrestling a lot. Anytime we saw a new move, instantly we would both yell “Aww yeah! Let’s try it!” Looking back, I’m not quite sure why I was so ambitious to go ahead with it. As you can imagine, being 4 years younger, I was always on the receiving end of the tactic. I’m not quite sure how I didn’t develop scoliosis or break any bones. Some of “our” and by “our” I mean his personal favorites were the figure four leg lock, the sharpshooter, the torture rack, the Million Dollar Dream and of course “The Daily DDT”. Everyday from age 8 to 14, I received a DDT from my brother, complete with the slap on the back to start it. However, it wasn’t all bad. We did look at that Miss Elizabeth poster in his bedroom for countless hours. May she rest in peace.

#3-I Learned Compassion. I remember when The Macho Man flew off the top turnbuckle and delivered a devastating elbow to Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat who’s neck was on a crowd barricade, crushing his layrnx (to this day, I have no idea what function larynx play in the human body, but I know I don’t want them crushed by a flying elbow.) For weeks up to Wrestlemania we slowly saw Ricky recover. I felt so bad for him, I mean he couldn’t even talk! Every week Mean Gene would update us on his recovery and at home you just sat there saying “Have I seen the last of Rick Steamboat? and How the Hell is Macho Man still walking around, he crushed a man’s larynx, I’m pretty sure that’s an arrestable offense!” But in the end, Steamboat and his healed larynx overcame Savage and his throat-busting elbow.

#2-Trust No One. I learned this really early. I remember I was like 6 or 7, I was at my retarded next door neighbor’s house, although at that age, I thought he was just a bit odd, and the Hulkster was tagteam partners with Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff. Halfway through the match, Orndorff turned on Hogan and pile drived Hogan into unconsciousness. I’m sure the people who were at the Jersey airport when the Hindenburg exploded have the same sense of horror I hold to this day. How could a friend do that to another friend? I hope when Orndorff is at the pearly gates one day, that St. Peter himself, stuns hims with a left jab, then pile drives that backstabbin’ A-Hole to hell!!!

#1-Anything Can Be Accomplished. Our parents had the moon landing, an event that brought that generation together. Any boy, who at the time was between the ages of 6 and 18 had Hogan body slamming Andre. The SINGLE GREATEST accomplishment I have ever seen. I remember being in the basement watching it live with about 6 other kids. We didn’t think Hogan could do it. Hell, reading about it years later, even Hogan didn’t think he could do it. But he did! He body slammed the giant in front of 90,000 people, including special guest Bob Uecker! Scientists will argue that developing the atomic bomb or Micromagic Milkshakes was man’s greatest accomplishment, but for all those who saw the Giant get slayed, will always know better!

  Last night on Idol, Gwen Stefani performed her new single. Halfway through, this rapper dude named Akon strolls out. His role in the song was to say such memorable lines as “Whooo-Hooo”, “Yeah” and “Everybody Sing!” Now, I know that Akon is a pretty big deal, but I’ve been off rap ever since that white guy named Lucas was telling people how he’s got his lid off. But this performance made me very jealous. Why? I could do that! If I enrolled at Akon University, they would teach me the timing that is so crucial in the rap accompaniment.
At Akon U, I would start out easy, maybe with a class in arm waving or how to lace up your sneakers or boots without the loops that all us safety conscious folks insist on. Then I’d move on to tougher concepts like making sure all my “ice” or “bling” doesn’t go flailing about like a baby in the hands of a disgruntled British nanny. Finally, my senior year would focus on vocabulary to throw in during a song. Obviously “Oh yeah”, “Let me hear some noize” and “Can I Get a Witness?” are obvious, but Akon U. would teach me the more advanced crowd engaging phrases that a white guy from Connecticut just doesn’t know like “Aww yeaz, now just the ladiez.”
After successful completion of my course loads, I’d get an internship. Probably start off small, like backing up Natalie Imbruglia on a club tour. Imagine me in back of her with a mic spitting out such clever phrases as “Yeah, bitch said she’s torn!” or “Schwimmer Wishes He Was Still Hittin’ This” and “Can I Get a What What?”
Then I’d move up to a more established and relevant artist like Josh Groban. “Yeah, that’s right, boy gonna raize yo’ ass up!” “Aww yeah, Miz-outains!” and would get to utter my own clever rhyme “Ten Million Strong and Groban!”
Finally, I’d move up to the big time and be featured on a new single to help revive Lou Bega’s career. The chorus would be sum’thang (yeah, you see I’m already learning!) like “Mambo Number 5 Had The Vive, But You Can Suck My D**K with Mambo #6!” Then I’d bust in with “Holla Back if you Love the Begaaaaaaaah!”
So that is how I plan to get to the top of the music industry. Honestly, I want Akon’s life. According to Wikipedia he is a polygamist with a Lamborghini and his own diamond mine! Beat that Bob Saget!