We here at “The Deuce” receive a lot of emails from our faithful readers, including that wacky Clement family! So we decided to answer a question that we got in our inbox just a few short days ago.

Dear TVDeuce,
At work everyone points at me, laughs at me, and harasses me because I would much rather read blogs and scour myspace pages than socialize in the breakroom of our Petco. What can I do to make people like me?

Sincerely,
Mike P.

Well Mike, that’s a real problem that you have there, but have no fear, I think we can help!

I think that if you can emulate a TV star, you could be in luck for finding true friendship, or at the least, have the co-workers stop calling you queer, which I am positive they are. Start off by picking a star that you watch a lot on TV, then learn their mannerisms, catch phrases, and oral hygiene techniques. Then copy away at work and see how much more respect you’ll garner.

Here’s an example. You could pretend to be Dr. Mark Greene from E.R.

First, Come Into Work With a Stethoscope. The simple fact of life is that people want to be friends with guys that wear stethoscopes. Simply because you never know when you might need one. “Holy shit, Johnny just hit the floor! Where’s Doug? He has a stethoscope and could surely be helpful in diagnosing and remedying this problem!” However, when wearing it, please put it around your neck, and not actually have it in your ears. That one mistake takes you from trusted medical man to poor lunatic, who can’t afford a real hearing aid.

Next, Use Lots of Medical Lingo, Even If The Situation Doesn’t Require It. Start this off slow. Instead of saying, “We need more Snausages quickly.” You could improve it by saying “We need more Snausages STAT!” As you can easily see, you now have taken control of this critical situation and are prepared to rectify it by using a much more forceful vocabulary.
From there you can go on and use terms like “Bilateral”, “PulseOx”, “Radiology is taking far longer than I expected”, “We don’t have time to wait for cardiology” and “Where is that lavage kit I asked for?” These terms will indeed impress your co-workers and customers.

Then, Place Clipboards Around Your Store and Check Them Frequently. This is a simple, yet highly effective way of making yourself look industrious, competent, and on the ball. As you check the charts, make sure to scream out instructions every once in a while, or people will begin to suspect that you may not actually be a relevant member of society. So when checking the clipboard in the dog grooming aisle, yell out “Radiology is taking far longer than I expected, I guess I’ll have to get the tick spray myself.” As you can see, you have shown people that even though it wasn’t your fault, you are willing to pick up the slack of other less motivated employees.

Finally, When Telling Customers Bad News, Pull Them Aside To a Empty Aisle or Set Of Chairs. This is very critical. This gives the impression that you care about customers and their privacy. When consulting with the soon to be disappointed consumers, make it a point to include the phrase “We used all of our resources”. Customers don’t want to know that when you went into the back room you actually were thumb wrestling the Mexican stock boy for quarters, instead of looking for organic cat litter. However, if you emerge from the stockroom and say “Ma’am, we used all of our resources, and called every Petco within a hundred mile radius, but we are completely out of stock. I know this is difficult. I will give you some time by yourself, if you have any questions, I’ll be checking the pulseox levels of the parrots over there with that clipboard.” That my friends, is the way your fellow employees will discard their hatred towards you and accept you as one of their own.

Mike, I hope this helps. Remember, it doesn’t have to just be Dr. Greene. I know people that have succesfully mimicked Steve Sanders, Al Borland and Mr. Sprocket. The choice is yours. Either way, it sounds like you better hurry before you completely ailenate your co-workers and then they’re waiting by your Geo Prism at closing time with a bag of door knobs waiting to deliver you to your maker.