Chances are that if you’re reading this blog then you have a mild to severe addiction to television. Instead of playing sports, enjoying the outdoors, or interacting with the human race, you were in front of your Symphonic television that your mom bought you from Wal-Mart or Caldors because the teenage TV salesman there, who was just off his whippet break told her that it is just as good as a Sony or Toshiba.

Well, if this describes you, then you probably have decided to quote or reference old TV shows in an attempt to appear retrofunktacular (Websters defines it as “A person, who makes themselves cool by using old tv and movie quotes at parties to prove that they indeed lived in and remembered the 80’s and 90’s). However, dealing out this popularity card can have unbridled success and make you the hit of the party and hopefully go home with a girl or have undesirable consequences, which causes you more distress and shame than you already have amassed in life. So knowing what quote to use is absolutely critical in your attempt to have people want to talk to you. Here is a short quiz to see how you would do.

SITUATION 1: You’re at a party at a friends house. There are a few single girls (not fat, so you’ll want to talk to them) just milling about. Which TV reference do you bring up?

A) “Hey remember when Kevin Arnold went to that party with Winnie and was afraid to go into the closet with her after spin the bottle? Yeah, this party has the same vibe.”

B) “This party is worse than the one Marge and Homer threw and the Van Houtens broke up because Kirk couldn’t draw dignity”

C) “Wow, I hope this party doesn’t turn out like DJ’s on Full House, when she was too embarrassed to kiss Kevin. I mean I felt so bad for her.”

ANSWER: The correct answer would be C. Why? Although The Wonder Years was perhaps the best show of our generation, I have found that most people didn’t watch it religiously enough to be able to get quotes. B is incorrect because most girls don’t watch The Simpsons. C would be correct because most girls would get it and plus they would think you were sensitive for remembering a precious moment like that.

SITUATION 2: You’re at a bar with some guy friends. One yells out “Let’s get hammered!” You follow up with:

A) “Yeah, just like Vanessa did that time when she played that drinking game with her friends.”

B) “Yeah, just like when Becky whipped up some Tornadoes on Roseanne and got hammered with her friend.”

C) “Yeah, just like when Donna Martin got hammered before her prom and then almost didn’t graduate.”

ANSWER: This one is very tough, being that you’re with a bunch of guys and these all revolve around teenage girls getting sauced. However, the correct answer would be B. First of all, you get a point for remembering it was a tornado, and then you could order them. Then you’d get a bonus 10 points if you correctly remembered that Becky’s friend then went on to play the memorable Margaret Farquar in the Wonder Years. Guys, not girls would have a better chance of remembering it. A is incorrect because although we all watched the Cosby Show, there are very few memorable quotes of scenes from it. C is incorrect because remembering Donna get drunk does not require a vast knowledge of television and reveals that secretly you despised her for dating a Jewish boy and that makes you anti-semetic.

SITUATION 3: We all know that The Simpsons is maybe the most quoted show around. So you’re sitting at a table with some friends and they start tossing out their favorite quotes. You say:

A) “Who or what is Santos L. Halper?”

B) “Did you know that the hole’s only natural enemy is the pile?”

C) “I call the big one bitey”

ANSWER: Even though A & B are very fine choices that only true Simpson aficionados will get, C is correct for two more obscure reasons that you can use to flaunt you’re quote.
1) Conan O’Brien wrote the monorail episode, in which this quote takes place.
2) On the DVD that it is on, Matt Groening states that it is his favorite line of all time. Try to argue with that.

I hope this first round of situations helps you, please come back tomorrow for more situations. If you disagree with any of these, then I’d love to hear why.