High Maintenance Women. These are the ladies that require just bit more TLC. And by a bit more, I mean these bloodsucking bimbos will will leave you with zero time, money, or self-esteem. They are generally very attractive and know it, after all you need some kind of reward for putting up with that BS. So let’s take a look at who on TV would be included as a high maintenance chick.
#6 - Agnes Skinner - The Simpsons. Agnes means lamb, lamb of god. However, even Jesus Christ himself would have a tough time not slapping this old bag around. Agnes requires dutiful attention from her son Seymour. Whether it’s Friday Night Silhouettes or not being at the line leader, Seymour, or should I say Arman Tanzarian, can do no right in the eyes of Agnes.
#5 - Linda Cohen - Sportscenter. I actually have little proof that she is high maintenance, but all the signs are there. First of all, if you were married to her, she’d put you down all the time. Like “Hey, I know I’m the one that hosts Sportscenter, but maybe you could be the man for once and take out the fuckin’ trash you pansy.” Granted, I’m assuming she has a violent temper and talks like a Tractor Training School Employee, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Also, I could see her saying “Hey honey, remember how I’m the one that pays for this nice house and your ‘93 Toyota Echo? Well maybe you could return the favor and get me another class of Jack Daniels.” Again, I’m taking a few liberties, like she’s an alcoholic, who buys economy class cars, but it’s worth exploring. So unless you want to be emasculated on a daily basis, stay clear of this dame.
#4 - Jenna Fischer - The Office. But Clint, she seems so nice. True, but I have found 2 very simple truths in life. First, don’t trust anyone that seems way too happy all the time. I’ve found that these people tend not to have all their lights on at home. Second, no one is ever THAT NICE. It’s true, people who come across as just the nicest people in the world, often have a complete opposite side at home, when no one, but their unsuspecting spouse is watching. That’s when they start bad mouthing people and bossing you around. Why? Because then they’re spouses can’t complain. Honestly, if Jenna Fischer’s husband came up and said “That girl is a rotten whore, who can’t be trusted.” Would you believe him? Nopes. Perfectly played Ms. Fischer, bravo to you and your image people. But I’m on to you!
#3 - Minka Kelly - Friday Night Lights. Ms. Lyla Garrity. Plays a high maintenance cheerleader on TV. But guaranteed she carries it over at home. She’s hot and she knows it. She’s not going to settle for anything less than Filet Mignon and a bottle of Yellowtail. She’s got more moxy and sass than a southern granny. This chick has got class. Now the question is, would you put up with her in order to brag to your buddies that you’re with her? Ummm, hells yeah it is. Have you seen her?
#2 - Patricia Heaton - Everybody Loves Raymond. Straight up, she’s a bitch. Even in interviews with her, she has the arrogant high self worth that only tons of plastic surgery and lipo can bring to a woman. She does realize that she wasn’t the star of the show, right? Here’s a challenge, write a 4 sentence paragraph countering the argument that she isn’t a bitch. Go ahead, I’m waiting.
#1 - Smurfette - The Smurfs. Let’s see. She’s the only female. She’s surrounded by a bunch of shirtless blue freaks that would do anything for her. This high maintenance woman is produced from the law of supply and demand. She has all the chips in her favor. She has every right to do and say what she wants. She would be the complete antithesis of Ms. Heaton. So Smurfette, go ahead and make Brainy and Grandpa do what they can to get you by their sides. You deserve it you sexy ass smurf!
Other notables: The cast of Desperate Housewives, Hilary Clinton, Ryan Seacrest, Parker’s wife on Heroes, and of course Sarah Silverman.
