You’re a fool if you don’t want to smoke dope with Johnny Dakota.

Johnny Dakota.

Johnny Dakota is a brilliant stage name.

It works for porn stars and action flick heroes, but not so much for classically trained actors. Let’s examine. Which of these movies would Johnny Dakota not star in?

A) Sawed off Shotgun: Starring Johnny Dakota

B) So You Think You Can Hump Vol. 3: Starring Johnny Dakota

C) A Poet’s Love: Starring Johnny Dakota

Obviously it’s C, but that doesn’t mean we can throw Johnny Dakota away. Just because Vince Vaughn’s only serious role came as a bully football player in Rudy, doesn’t mean that he is a worthless piece of crap. He has a value in our society, much like Mr. Dakota.

Johnny Dakota offers dope, or “pot” if you will, to cute, impressionable high school kids.

Shouldn’t we shun him like polio or Tim Meadows? Absolutely not. You say he offers high school kids dope, I say he was nice enough to invite them to a real swanky Hollywood party. I don’t hear about any of the kid stars from 7th Heaven inviting local kids over to bask in the glory and decadence of a Hollywood party. And here you are spouting your undying love of Simon. Has he ever invited you to one of his keggers or Mickie Mixers? Yeah, me neither. I’m still waiting for my Evite. But Johnny Dakota Steps up to the plate. So Johnny Dakota 1. Simon 0.

Johnny Dakota is a hypocrite.

Sure is he his. So he smokes a doobie at night and does Anti-Drug PSA’s by day. But who hasn’t? I mean, I remember one time when I did Ecstasy in a Denny’s parking lot at 4am with a East German Trans-Sexual Prostitute named Olga, only to attend a rally to ban the letter E from the alphabet because it promotes drug use to Pre-K kids. Did I have egg on my face? Sure. But honestly, tell me a time when you haven’t gotten hopped up on a meth lab creation, then wake up to tell your kids or your neighbors dog that you were wrong for doing it. You can’t, so leave Johnny alone.

Johnny Dakota has no fashion sense.

Since when are you too good to wear a multi-color blazer? Hmmm??? If you ask me, I think it’s a great way to spice up a black tee/jean combo. Some people prefer platinum chains, denim jackets or puffy L.L. Bean Vests, but not me. Just wait, within 5 years that jacket will be hot again. And when it is, I will be the first person that is let in at the Peach Pit After Dark. Secondly, the purple coat that Johnny gave to Zack showed a bit of Johnny’s ghetto heritage. That’s right, Johnny Dakota doesn’t forget where he came from.

So while all of you at home may think that Johnny Dakota is a loser and an abuser, I’m here to set the record straight that Johnny Dakota is the essence of cool. So don’t hate on my brother from another mother and show Mr. Dakota the love that he deserves. After all ladies, if you’re willing to wear a tangerine floral print dress, Johnny’s willing to take it off!