That’s right, Lindsay called me last night to inform me that she’s looking for a change. Her publicist right now simply isn’t getting Lohan the positive parts and publicity that she so rightly deserves. So she called me up. Here is a transcript of our brief conversation:
Lindsay: “Hey, is this Jules Verne?”
Me: “No, it’s me Clint.”
Lindsay: “Dammit Jules, stop screwing around. I need some help!”
Me: “Who is this?”
Lindsay: “It’s me Lindsay, now shut up, the po-po said I only got a few minutes on this pay phone.”
Me: “What do you want?”
Lindsay: “Jules, can you make me a star again or at-least score me some new blow?”
So that is where I come in. I have now been give the daunting task of revamping L-Lo’s career. So here are some steps I have taken already:
A) Make DUI’s Cool
I know this completely under minds the good work the ladies at MADD have done, but as long as there is a “stigma” against DUI’s, Lindsay will not do well. My campaign would go something like this: “Vin Diesel and Taylor Dane think that driving sober is cool. Do you want to be like them?” Then, we’ll get a whole bunch of stars to get pulled over like Paris Hilton, Lebron James, Grover, and Brian Dunkleman. I’m not saying it’s right, but I have to protect the image of my clients.
B) Use Her Mug Shot For Good
If this mugshot doesn’t scream ProActive Solution Before Shot, then I don’t know what does. “Before ProActive Solution, my face, driving record, and life were completely awful. But since I’ve started using the clinically advanced ProActive Solution, everything is starting to clear up!”
C) Stop Emailing Billy Bush
According to Yahoo!, Lindsay emailed Billy Bush of Access Hollywood to tell her side of the story. Here’s a story for you Lindsay, have you ever heard someone say “I’m glad I emailed Billy Bush!” No, neither have I. I’ve said it on this site many times, Billy Bush is a menace to society. If you were to list history’s worst men, I’m pretty sure he’d be in between Stalin and the guy that thought Drexel’s Class would be a hit. Cut off all ties with him.
D) Eat Nathan’s Hot Dogs
This isn’t for endorsement purposes, but instead for her own good. Nathan’s Hot Dogs are quite tasty, plus I believe that they’re cheaper than crack.
E) Grant An Interview To a Mediocre, Occasionally funny blog
I hear TVDeuce.com is pretty good, it’s widely read by at least 10 people. I mean, after all, they did score an exclusive interview with Bob Vance from the Office back in May!
F) Turn Down Bad Scripts
Basic Instinct 3, Jesus Wears Hagar Slacks, and anything starring Ben Affleck are not good ideas. Also, avoid films directed by anyone from the Breakfast Club. She needs to set her sights on high class films. More Jane Austin films. Also, no more movies where she plays a daughter. We get it. You have a wacky relationship with your mom.
G) Finally, Have Someone Build You A Life Size Car of The Animal
According to the commercial, “Nothing Can Stop…….The Animal!!!!!” This might be good, if you continue to booze and cruise.
