So I saw on Digg.com that Tom Cruise is planning to build a 10 million dollar bunker to protect him, Katie, Suri and probably their massive egos from a full scale alien attack.  Yes, you read that right, Alien attack.

Unfortunately for Mr. Cruise, this expensive plan is flawed and here’s why.

#6 - Contractor Motivation.  I gotta believe that the workers on this job aren’t going to keep things up to code.  Why?  Most will feel that the bunker will never get used for what it’s designed for, so they’ll be able to cut corners.  Instead of steel to reinforce the steel, pipe cleaners will be used.  They’ll use that Quik-Crete stuff, instead of legit concrete.  The generators will run on love, instead of gas.  Finally, they’ll forget that the port-o-potty can’t fit back through the door and it will permanently entombed in the shelter.  And even though the port-o-potty is below the earth’s surface it will still be insanely warm and have that funky smell.

#5 - Too Large.  In order to keep their extremely fragile self worth high, they’ll have to build the bunker large enough to hold 100 people.  The 100 people will probably be very large women, who look up to the Cruises.  These are the women that start off a conversation with “According to Star Magazine….”  A bunker that large just won’t be able to withstand a full scale laser and phaser attack.

#4 - Bunkers Are Like Fight Club.  First rule of fight club, don’t talk about fight club.  First rule of bunker building, don’t let anyone know where you’re building it.  You don’t see Osama braggin’ about his Tora Bora retreats do you?  Way to go Tommy, now all these aliens have to do is Google Map your Colorado home and after they’ve obliterated New York City, London and the Pyramids they’re coming for ya’!  Too bad those suckers won’t be able to find me in my pop-tent in Utica, NY.  CRAP! I’ve said too much!

#3 -  What If He’s On Location?  I’m pretty sure the aliens aren’t going to phone ahead, so how does he even know he’ll be in Colorado?  What if he’s out filming MI: 8 in Knoxville?  Maybe Travolta will be able to fly him back in time, maybe not?  What if Katie is filming the Dawsons Creek reunion show?  Think Joshua Jackson is going to help her?  Think again, Joshua Jackson only looks out for one person; Joshua Jackson.  If that’s the case, the only people occupying that shelter are going to be the illegals they hire to clean the house and take care of Suri.  So if you’re keeping score at home, that’s Illegal Immigrants 1, Cruises 0.

#2 - What If It Works?  So let’s say it does work and the Cruises are saved.  What will they do?  The entire human race and most of the world’s Emu population has been decimated, but your essentially buried alive because if you emerge above the surface, the alien’s motion detectors will spot you, and they’re gonna be pissed.  How do I know?  Ever kill a beehive, and 2 days later you still got like 2 flying around?  Yeah you have.  Those 2 bring out a fury in you and do everything you can do get them.  Now imagine pissin’ off a whole race of aliens, who are already pretty cranky from the jet lag, and now you can see why even surviving isn’t a good idea.

#1 - Aliens.  Let’s say that they’re right and aliens are headed our way.  These aliens have mastered the whole time/space continuum thing.  They’ve figured out how to travel millions of miles in a reasonable amount of time.  Their technology has located earth and it’s signals.  Do you really think that 10 feet of concrete is going to phase them?  Like they’ll get here and say:
Jerry:  We’ll Billy, we’ve taken out Europe, Australia, and most of America.
Billy: What do you mean most of America?
Jerry: In that state that’s shaped like a brownie pan, there’s a little concrete pod that we can’t crack.
Billy: Have you tried the atomic super laser bomb?
Jerry: Yeah, doesn’t even make a dent.
Billy: Damn you inventor of Quik–Crete!  Foiling our plans of world domination.

There you have it, the Cruises are morons.  While the Pitts are saving the world one adopted child at a time, the Cruises are building multi-million dollar bunkers, while poor American children across this country are not finding out what a great game Guitar Hero is because they can’t afford it.  Makes you think.