Archive for November, 2007

29NovHow HBO Should Cast Barry Bonds Film

If you haven’t heard, the good folks at the Home Box Office have decided to go ahead and make a movie based on The Game of Shadows book about Barry Bonds. The film has been given the green light, and now comes the most challenging job; casting Mr. Bonds.

So I’ve decided to help out the casting director and produce some candidates to fill the enormous cap of the juiced up, bobble head slugger.

MR. T

PROS: He’s buff and tough. T is no stranger to sport films and hatin’ whitey in those films. T has got the right amount of ‘tude as well. Mr. T, like Bonds, is an iconic American, who people either love or hate (although, I’ve never met a person who has hated Mr. T. That’s like hating Julia Roberts, Puppies or Fruit by the Foot). He’s got the ability to weave a new catch phrase into our culture.

CONS: May be unwilling to shave the hawk. Although Bonds is not against jewelry, he is a bit more subdued and classy than Mr. T. Also, I can’t actually picture T swinging a bat, unless he was looking to take out a group of renegade terrorists from Libya in a helicopter. Finally, T may still be ticked off that America forgot about him, as soon as “1-800 Collect” stopped making commercials.

TODD BRIDGES

PROS: Todd has that smarmy quality that Bonds posses. On one hand he looks like he could be the nice guy, who lives next door and invites you over for some barbecue. On the other hand he also has that whole “I’d spit on your Grannie if she was trying to take the last Red Bull from the shelf” attitude as well. It’s a beautiful juxtaposition of good versus evil. Todd also looks like he could be fairly athletic, so believability would be achievable. He also isn’t afraid of the Gooch. It may not seem important, but I don’t think the cops ever caught that guy.

CONS: He’s got a big noggin, but it still isn’t big enough. He would probably lobby the producers for a cameo for pal Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman, as we all know, doesn’t have the box office power of credibility he once had. Finally, I don’t trust guys, who give the thumbs up sign, unless they are being carted off an NFL field on a stretcher.

ISAIAH WASHINGTON

PROS: Has Bonds’ “I’m so much better than you and your Honeycomb Hideout” gloating look and personality. Hates the press as much as Barry. Once played Dwight Gooden, another baseball substance abuser, in a movie about Joe Torre. Needs work and could probably be casted on the cheap. Finally, he may be as equally hated among the public as Bonds, so he brings that dynamic to the big little screen.

CONS: Although Bonds’ movie could be gold, he looks more like Kobe Byrant and could wait for a future Bryant film called “Big Star, Tight Quarters.” Not nearly as ripped and superhero like as Bonds. He has a normal sized head, which is a big negative. Finally, after his whole homophobia thing, he may feel a bit uneasy having to rub any “clear” lotion over his body on camera.

JAMIEE FOXX

PROS: Unlike Bridges, he can act. Physically he’s ready to step up to the plate and take some swings. Foxx also brings all sorts of cred, from Oscar to Street Cred to the film.

CONS: No singing parts. I’m pretty sure that any film that Foxx signs up for, he’s looking to show off the total package. A little too Hip-Hop for the double B. Although Barry may enjoy the smooth style of R&B, I have never seen him tip his hat to the side, or sport a flat brim. Asking Foxx to rock a hat with a curved brim, may be the sticking point in the contract negotiations. Finally, Foxx might try to use his influence to cast the Wayans family as the rest of the team, since without them, Foxx’s career may never have been as bright as it is. It’s not that I don’t like Keenan and the gang, but I think they’re too busy looking for that time warp back to 1992, when they were relevant.

LOU FERRIGNO

PROS: Enormous Melon. In fact, it may actually be bigger than Bonds’. Good lord, that thing has it’s own gravitational pull. Also, there’s no doubt that Lou has experience juicing up for pride and sport, so he’d be a natural. Roid rage and shrunken stones? Check and check! Finally, I’m pretty sure at this point in his career, he might actually pay HBO to star in this film.

CONS: He’s not black.

ED “Too Tall” JONES

PROS: Like Bonds, he was a professional athlete. When he was in the NFL, drug use was in vogue, and therefore would know the ins and outs of the sports/drug culture. He’s got an acceptably large head. Not afraid to rock a retro ‘fro if need be.

CONS: Was once the NFL actor du jour, but was quickly replaced by Bubba Smith and now Tiki Barber. Career may have peaked after saving Arnold Jackson off their high rise ledge in a legendary episode of Diff’rent Strokes. Finally, I don’t have enough time to Google it, but I’m not sure if he’s still alive.

VERDICT: Although the field has some real star power and acting legends, I think that the role belongs to Todd Bridges! He’s got the look down, and he’s hungry for work. Although he may need to hit the gym, I have faith that he can pull through. After all, out of Bridges, Plato, Coleman, Cooksey and the dude that played Dudley, somebody from that show needs an extended career and this is his chance. I think America needs to juice up on THE TODD!

WHO WOULD YOU CAST AS BARRY BASEBALL????

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27NovCelebrity Presidential Endorsements I Want To See

Oprah is hitting the old “campaign trail.”  That’s right, Oprah is going to be entering tons of diners in Iowa, telling the local fatties to put down the syrup and “VOTE FOR OBAMA!”  All the news networks are foaming at the mouth over this.  No, it’s not because they smell the sweet, delicious sausage percolating on those large diner skillets, but rather because the most powerful woman in America, this side of Mayim Bialik, is throwing her weight (partial pun intended) behind Obama.

But that’s not all.  Perhaps the coolest and ass kicking endorsement comes from Chuck Norris supporting Republican Mike “I’m Not Sure If He Loves The” Huckabee.  Chuck F’n Norris.  You know why I love this endorsement?  It’s a blatant attempt from a politician to put his finger on the mainstream retro pulse.  But I applaud it.  According to a t-shirt I have, Mr. Norris can “defeat a brick wall in tennis.”  That’s the kind of guy I want supporting me.

So this got me thinking:
WHAT CELEBS DO I WANT TO SEE CHIME IN?  Well, here’s my list:


DAVID GRAFF (AKA SGT. TACKLEBERRY)
If we’re looking for washed up tough guys, Tackleberry is your guy.  He’s got it all.  A big gun, a CHIPS bike, a hot lady friend, and of course he friends with a guy that can sound like a megaphone, without actually having one.  I think people respect movie stars and cops.  When you put them together, it’s a golden endorsement.  I can see the shirts now “TACK’S GOT MY BACK!”


WESLEY SNIPES
I love how America can embrace some firsts, but on others we shy away because we’re worried what our neighbors might think.  So Hillary can brag about being the first woman president, but Obama has to downplay the whole first African-American president topic.  It’s not fair.  That’s why he needs Wesley Snipes.  Think about it, a big rally, tens of thousands of people waiting for Obama.  Then Mr. Snipes comes out and says
“Ladies and Gentleman.  Always Bet on Black!”
I gotta say, that would seal my vote.  We need to embrace our differences, and my god, I think Wesley Snipes might be the glue for our country’s cultural fabric!


CRACKLE
He’s been silenced for too long.  Sure he doesn’t have the introduction skills of SNAP, or the naturally ability to leave the crowd wanting more like his brother POP!, but Crackle is about substance.  Crackle represents intelligence and integrity, 2 things we citizens of these 50 nifty United States demand in a politician.  A Crackle endorsement would be a great lift for any politician.


JOHN EDWARD
I know, you’ll think he’s going to endorse John Edwards.  But imagine how influential he could be on the campaign trail.
John: Did you have a grandmother?
Voter: Why yes, her name was Milly.
John: You there Milly?  You are!  OK!  What’s that?  You want your grandchild to do what?  Speak up Milly!  OK, You want her to do 3 things.  First, avenge your death.  Second, buy a yummy piece of Taffy.  And finally, you want her to vote for Ron Paul?
Voter:  Oh my god, my grandmother loved taffy.  Thank you Mr. Edward.
Pure genius.


JONATHAN TAYLOR THOMAS
I don’t think he’d bring in that many votes, but I want him to be the only person in the history of mankind to utter this phrase:
“To this day, the highlight of my career is working with Tim Allen.”
Sometimes I enjoy seeing people drown in their own ego.

Well that’s 5 I’d like to see weigh in.  What celebs do you want to hear from?

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25NovWhere Do I Apply?

So I was watching Girls Next Door on E!, when I came across a job that I was mystified to find out exists.  The 3 girls were doing a photo shoot, where they were on a raft in a pool, giving new meaning to “Bottoms Up.”  Then all of a sudden I see some dude in the water next to the raft.

Was it a bouncer? No.
Was it a life guard?  No.
Was it Greg Louganis?  Negative.

It was “The Raft Guy!”  Who is Raft Guy?  Raft Guy’s sole existence is to make sure that the inflatable raft keeping the playmates afloat doesn’t go all Lusitania on them.  (I could’ve stuck with the Titanic reference, but felt that you, the reader, would like me to smarten these posts up a bit).

So where does one get this Raft Guy job?  I mean, what are the qualifications?  I failed to find any courses on proper raft flotation at that college Sally Struthers used to pitch.  Seems to me this is the kind of job that you get by knowing somebody.  I don’t know anybody that could hook me up with a job like this.  I mean, I’ve been offered to sell vitamins, I’ve parked cars at a country club, and sold wrapping paper door to door, but not once has anybody asked me if I wanted to steady a pool faring, playmate supporting vessel.  Cause I would do it.

I wonder if he complains?  I wonder if there’s a Raft Guy Union?  I wonder what he says when he goes home to his wife and kids?  Like does he go home and say, “Man, the commute was brutal and being in the water for hours has made my body look like Bea Arthur’s! (Again, you can’t go wrong with Bea Arthur references.)

So if anybody knows somebody that could hook me up with a job like that, let me know.

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