So I was watching Girls Next Door on E!, when I came across a job that I was mystified to find out exists.  The 3 girls were doing a photo shoot, where they were on a raft in a pool, giving new meaning to “Bottoms Up.”  Then all of a sudden I see some dude in the water next to the raft.

Was it a bouncer? No.
Was it a life guard?  No.
Was it Greg Louganis?  Negative.

It was “The Raft Guy!”  Who is Raft Guy?  Raft Guy’s sole existence is to make sure that the inflatable raft keeping the playmates afloat doesn’t go all Lusitania on them.  (I could’ve stuck with the Titanic reference, but felt that you, the reader, would like me to smarten these posts up a bit).

So where does one get this Raft Guy job?  I mean, what are the qualifications?  I failed to find any courses on proper raft flotation at that college Sally Struthers used to pitch.  Seems to me this is the kind of job that you get by knowing somebody.  I don’t know anybody that could hook me up with a job like this.  I mean, I’ve been offered to sell vitamins, I’ve parked cars at a country club, and sold wrapping paper door to door, but not once has anybody asked me if I wanted to steady a pool faring, playmate supporting vessel.  Cause I would do it.

I wonder if he complains?  I wonder if there’s a Raft Guy Union?  I wonder what he says when he goes home to his wife and kids?  Like does he go home and say, “Man, the commute was brutal and being in the water for hours has made my body look like Bea Arthur’s! (Again, you can’t go wrong with Bea Arthur references.)

So if anybody knows somebody that could hook me up with a job like that, let me know.