Archive for the 'TVD Salutes' Category

16AprTVD Salutes: Nancy Nelson

newnancy.gifWho’s Nancy Nelson? Have you ever been up at 2am? Then you know who Nancy Nelson is. Nancy Nelson, or NanNel as I’m sure somebody in Iowa calls her, is the Queen of Infomercials. Some in the media, want to paint Nancy as a racially divisive, extreme feminist hell bent on bringing down the few remaining Marxists economies in the world. We here at The Deuce, don’t share those beliefs. Instead, we view Nancy as the Patron Saint of Infomercials.

Quick question, What was the single greatest invention of the last 70 years? Here are some that you may be shouting out right now: Polio vaccine, The PC, Clear Pepsi, Breast Implants, Chemical Warfare, lesbians, that instrument Kenny G plays, literacy, and Olestra. WRONG! The single greatest invention of the last 70 years are infomericals. 30 minutes, or an hour of unadulterated capitalism at it’s best. Paid Celebrity endorsers, paid ADHD guys and gals who show you how the product can be used in a myriad of ways, paid in studio crowds and price slashes with special bonuses. I know, I have goose bumps right now too!

Nancy Nelson helped to define this genre of television. She has come into our homes and with her buck teeth and frizzy hair, has told us the life changing advantages of such products as:
-The Juiceman
-The Pasta Maker
-The Divx Disc Recycler
-The Fresh Saver
-The Paint Stick
-Billy Mays’ Fertility Clinic In a Box
-The Food Dehydrator

When I look at that list, only one word comes to mind: QUALITY. Nancy Nelson’s name, face, and subsidiary oil refinery business has become synonymous with QUALITY. I wouldn’t dehydrate or vacuum pack my food, unless Nancy tells me that I can pay for it in 3 easy installments.

I recently went into a Saks Fifth Avenue. I saw a shirt I really liked. I did not have enough cash or a sufficient credit line to purchase the said shirt. I asked the gentleman at the counter if I could take it home, and send them 3 payments of $29.99 over the next few months, as long as they threw in some free cuff-links. I was promptly escorted out of the store and told never to return. As they slammed the door I shouted “Nancy Nelson would NEVER treat her customers like this!” That is why TVDeuce.com salutes Nancy Nelson.

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09AprTVD Salutes: GoBo Fraggle

characters_gobo.jpgGobo Fraggle should be directly compared to Jack from Lost. Both are fearless leaders, both love exploring, both rage against their antagonists (The Gorgs, The Others) and both have a woman that is border line mental for them.

Gobo Fraggle was a real renaissance Fraggle. He enjoyed music, friendship and sleeping in a cave. He was strong, yet caring. Tough, yet forgiving. Gobo was everything a good Fraggle SHOULD be! Although, that’s what historians WANT you to believe. I however, disagree. I believe Gobo Fraggle was a communist, hell bent on destroying a civilation, to fuel his own hunger.

If you asked most kids about Gobo, they would tell you that he was a wonderful Fraggle. However, next time you pass a construction site of green midgets, ask them for what they think of Gobo. They will probablly voice an accurate historical narrative, how Ghengis Gobo and his Pipe Eating Clan, almost single handedly ruined the great Doozer civilization. The Doozers just wanted to build bridges, towers, and other geometric paradises. All Gobo wanted to do was to ruin these edible edifices to satisfy his appetite for doozer dwellings. You know who else likes destroying buildings for his own personal gain? Osama Bin Laden. That’s right, Gobo Fraggle may have indeed laid the foundation for Al Qaeda. Uncle Traveling Matt could have very well facilitated contact between the two. I’ll leave that for you to decide.

You may hear that the Doozers “wanted” the Fraggles to eat their structures. Probablly true. Why? What if they said no? What would Mokey have eaten after taking a bong hit? That’s right, A DOOZER!

So why do we salute Gobo? Well because the man can flat out sing and the fact that he was probablly shackin’ up with Red. I’m willing to overlook his genecidal tendencies on the belief that Gobo Fraggle was the mack daddy of Fraggle Rock.

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